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A Hard Week

I like to keep things positive for the most part around here, but I also feel compelled to share openly and be transparent with you all about my struggles. In the spirit of transparency and honesty, I’ve got to tell you, I’m having a hard week.

 

It’s been one of those weeks where I struggle to accept my situation, a “life isn’t fair!” week. The feelings of discontent grew throughout the entire month of May so slowly and stealthily that I didn’t even realize they were there until one tiny thing tipped the scale and everything came to a head all at once.

 

May was a month of friends graduating with master’s degrees.

 

May was a month of weddings.

 

May was a month filled with beautiful photos from friends who live and work abroad.

 

May was awareness month for many different chronic illnesses.

 

The first three points symbolize all the ways the world is still turning, despite the fact that I feel so far removed from it. Life goes on, even when it feels like mine has stopped. I had dreams to have a meaningful career, to travel and see the world, to be the wife my Hubs deserved. Instead, these things become reality for others while I watch from my couch. I am so happy for my friends and family, but it is hard to watch everyone around you achieve the things you wanted for yourself.

 

The fourth point is upsetting in a different way. My Instagram feed was inundated throughout the past month with posts about people “taking a bite out of Lyme”, facts about Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, mental health, Myalgic Encephalitis/Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, Lupus, autoimmunity, and many others. It was inspiring and encouraging to see so many people speak out about issues that are important to them, but after 31 days of it, I began to grow bitter. Why don’t I have a diagnosis like these people? Please hear me on this: This is a me problem, not a them problem. I would never try to stifle a voice working to bring awareness to an important cause. But again, being fully transparent, I can’t say it didn’t sting a little bit to read each post.

 

These things, coupled with the stress and fatigue of traveling, a wedding, and the homesickness that inevitably follows each trip to Tennessee, plus some really intense mood issues, landed me back in the familiar pit of depression.

 

This week was ugly crying. The kind of crying where your face hurts from being scrunched up so tightly and is soaked with a mixture of tears and snot, but you don’t care. The kind of crying that ruins makeup, if you’d cared enough to put any on that day. The kind of crying that comes from an ache deep down inside you that you can’t even name.

 

This week was apathy. It was pajamas and sweatpants. It was unbrushed hair and an unwashed face. It was Hubs carrying me from the couch to the bed. It was sitting in silence, because I couldn’t bring myself to even watch TV or read more than a few pages. It was the unshakeable feeling that nothing mattered.

 

This is not me. This is depression. This is just something I’m walking through. This is one part of my journey with chronic illness. This is something else that I will overcome.

 

This week was hard and ugly and infuriating, and it’s not over yet. I’m still processing through a lot of emotions and working to be totally honest with Hubs about how I’m feeling. In the brief moments that the darkness subsides, I am reminded that nothing lasts forever. There is always hope to be had.

 

“For you are my lamp, O Lord,
and my God lightens my darkness.”

2 Samuel 22:29

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4 thoughts on “A Hard Week

  1. Hug’s girl. I 100% relate to almost everything you wrote unfortunately. Other girls our age are jealous of their friends cars, body, clothes etc. We have health jealousy, why can’t we be healthy enough to do even half the things our friends and other people are age do? It is so frustrating, but at least we can meet others who are unfortunately going through similar things to help break the isolation send hardcore depression that is all encompassing sometimes. You are so brave for sharing your most vulnerable self to the world! Your inspiring!

    1. I truly hate that you can relate, but you’re right! I’m thankful for the people who make sure I know I’m not alone in this fight. We are stronger together! You are equally as brave for getting up each morning to face the day, because as any spoonie can tell you, it’s not always easy.

  2. Firstly, I must say this is beautifully written. I am friends with you through my spoonie account @chronically_anna. I know exactly what you are going through, but at the same time don’t because everyone experiences pain and symptoms differently. I think that’s always important for people to understand that when I say I know what you’re going through! But I know the emotional, the guilty feeling of being a burden on the family, and the pain that you can’t even come close to describing to doctors, that is if they’re even listening to your whole story. I have JUST now finally been diagnosed with CRPS/RSD, after going through about 4 teams of “specialists” since 2011 (rheumatologists, neurologists, gastroenterologists, and so on…). I realized that none of them would really SIT DOWN and listen to MY STORY how I got to this point, and even listen to the symptoms I had and why certain medications were just NOT cutting it. I don’t know exactly your story or what type of pain you’re having, but keep searching for answers, don’t give up. The doctors work for you, sometimes you have to remind them of this, and if it doesn’t work, then ask for a new referral or go searching on your own. That’s what I eventually had to do. Blood tests have usually been relatively normal, I am ANA positive with “suspected Lupus” but that didn’t explain the horrid pain. Everyone was missing the first key part of information from my history that I would tell when they would ask me “start from the beginning”. It was a horseback riding accident that shattered several bones on my right side, and I had to go through several surgeries, this was in the beginning of 2011, the pain and everything else started May of 2011. I saw my new neurologist beginning of this March, she did MRIs and saw that I had spinal/nerve damage but no signs of MS, and she suspected RSD. She sent me to a Pain Specialist who specializes in CRPS/RSD and he diagnosed me right there on the spot, first visit. He said it was a text book case, and he couldn’t believe “specialists” had not noticed this. Now a new journey begins to find the magic combo of meds/treatments/procedures and so on.
    I guess what I’m trying to say, (I apologize for this NOVEL I’ve written), is just DON’T GIVE UP on finding doctors that will listen and pay attention to your history as well as current symptoms. Again, I am @chronically_anna on Instagram and please DM me if you ever wanna talk! It’s kind of a lonely world out here for us pain girls. 😉
    I will for sure start following your blog, I love how raw it is! Spoons to you, and hope you have as best of a day as you can!

    1. Anna, thank you so much for your sweet words! I am so appreciative of the reminder to not give up, because (as I’m sure you know) sometimes giving up is all it feels like you have the energy to do. It is always encouraging to hear the stories of others who have been where I am, who have fought, and who have ultimately received the answers and treatments they needed! Spoons to you as well, and a restful sleep to go with ’em!

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