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The Chronic Caterpillar

What does it mean to be a caterpillar?

Besides being very hungry, of course.

 

When I think about caterpillars, I think about growth and change. They are the ultimate image of a work-in-progress. A caterpillar’s main focus is to eat and eat and eat (not unlike myself some days) with the end goal of becoming a better version of him or herself, a butterfly! It’s not glamorous, but it has to happen.

 

Does that resonate with anyone else, or am I the only one who identifies with a bug?

 

Seriously, I feel like I should be walking around with a big yellow sign that says UNDER CONSTRUCTION around my neck. I’m working to be the best version of myself, but sometimes (a lot of the time), it ain’t pretty.

 

I’m not here to look pretty and put-together though. I named my blog after a creepy-crawly for goodness’ sake! There’s plenty of pretty and put-together all across the internet, and fair warning, if that’s what you’re looking for, you won’t find it here. If I haven’t talked you into clicking away from this page, let me tell you all the ways that I am a growing, changing, workin’-on-myself caterpillar.

 

Physically, I’m a work-in-progress. I’ve been battling confusing, ongoing symptoms since July 2015. Several doctors and several incorrect diagnoses later, I still don’t have an answer as to what’s causing these low-grade fevers, debilitating fatigue, heart palpitations, and all of the other fun symptoms I deal with on a daily basis. I’ve been told that I’m an “interesting” and “complicated” case, which are not words you want to hear your doctor say. Despite the lack of answers and my own frustration, I cling to the hope that I will eventually receive a diagnosis and, who knows? Maybe I’ll be cured!

 

Mentally, I’m a work-in-progress. Chronic, undiagnosed illness can do a number on you. Anxiety is a constant struggle, and I feel as though I am always one piece of bad news away from falling headlong into yet another clash with depression. Each day is its own battle. Some days I am victorious, and some days I am overcome by my own thoughts. Still though, I won’t give in to fear.

 

And spiritually, oh boy, am I a work-in-progress. When frustrations abound and you feel terrible and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, it’s easy to get angry and blame God. I’ve been there. It is much harder to wrestle with God and to deepen your understanding of him. It is much, much harder to place your trust in him when you can’t understand his plans. That’s what I’m working towards.

 

So there you have it. I’m a caterpillar. In a chronic state of personal growth. It isn’t glamorous, and it isn’t pretty, but perhaps one day, I’ll be a better, more butterfly-ish version of myself.

 

Any other caterpillars out there? What areas of your life are you growing in?

 

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